The Ministry of Defence have been ploughing private investment, and even tax payers money into developing a new pair of socks that can increase a soldiers running and standing vertical jump by a MINIMUM of 4 foot! When you consider that an average person can jump up to a foot or 2 (measured by standing and reaching, marking that point, then performing a full jump and measuring the distance between the 2 marks), doubling or even tripling this jump height by wearing an everyday item such as socks is mind boggling!
Of course, athletes liked the sound of this new engineering development, and have quickly secured a contract with the NBA in America, the English Premier League, and are even looking at founding a ‘enhanced performance’ version of the Olympic games whereby athletes will be allowed to wear the socks, and even take performance enhancing drugs to truly test the boundaries of what man can achieve.
How the socks are made
At the centre of this incredible design is a substance known as Aprilianus Phoolsanium, which is a poxy resin that becomes pliable, elastic and highly volatile when heated and rapidly cooled. Researchers realised that by adding some nitric oxide to the formulation, that volatility subsided and the substance could then be woven into material…such as socks! A major clothing brand have secured the contract, making them set to dwarf their competition with the developments being made in the sporting arena. The only downside to production is that each sock (not pair, I mean each individual sock) requires three people to make…AT THE SAME TIME…because each sock has to be tailor made. One person has to hold a mould open, another pours the Aprilianus Phoolsanium in, and the third is tasked with sitting and observing the dynamics of the substance ensuring that it doesn’t spontaneously combust.
How much will it cost?
All in all, this project is set to cost the clothing manufacturer 100 billion pounds in year one, 200 billion in year 2, and a massive 400 billion in year 3. The reason for these astronomical manufacturing cost is the fact that the main ingredient…Aprilianus Phoolsanium, can only be sourced from the moon…yes, you read that right…the MOON! And not just any moon either… Mars’ moon, which somehow researchers can reach with a spacecraft they named ‘Moony’, which is able to extract the substance from the craters of the moon simply by getting within 50 miles of the moon’s surface.
These socks are expected to enter the UK market by May, 2015…so if you want a spring in your step, then get ready for the London launch next month! Free samples can be requested by emailing firstname.lastname@example.org who will be sure to send you your pair of socks right after launch day!